How to be vulnerable in relationships

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The best part of being human is being able to connect with other humans. We live in tribes and families, work in groups, love as couples and thrive in friendships. The drive to connect is in all of us whether we acknowledge it or not.

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Vulnerability is the driving force of connection. When we close down our vulnerability we are shielded from hurt, but we are also shielded from love, intimacy and connection. They How to be vulnerable in relationships to us through the same door.

When we close it to one, we close it to all. Without vulnerability, relationships struggle. Vulnerability is openness to experiences, people and uncertainty. Occasionally we get hurt. Relationship pain is an unavoidable part of being human. When it happens it can steal you. I know. But we can see this for what it is — a mismatch of people, a redirection, a learning, a happening — or we can take it as a warning and protect ourselves from the possibility of being hurt again.

In this case, we make the decision to not be vulnerable. We shut it down. By shutting down to the risks of being vulnerable, we also shut down to the possibilities — the possibility of joy, intimacy, closeness, gratitude and connection. Brene Brown PhD is a research professor from the University of Houston and an expert in the field of vulnerability. Her research has found that the difference between the two groups was that those who had a strong sense of love and belonging believed they were worthy of it. People who believed they were worthy of connection experienced greater connectedness.

What it means is that they are more willing to be open and vulnerable in relationships because their potential for shame is less. They are often the people who people want to be with.

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They give to the relationship and they receive openly, abundantly, honestly and with love and gratitude. They allow themselves to be vulnerable to the uncertainty and they make it safe for others to do the same. How to be vulnerable in relationships to and move towards what you really want. What would you do if you could act without fear of shame?

Would you change jobs? Follow your passion? Tell someone you love them? Tell someone you miss them? Initiate sex? Expect more for yourself? Get rid of relationships that hurt? Question your beliefs. Sometimes we believe things for so long they just settle in and stay. What could happen if you open up, take a chance, let yourself be vulnerable? What if you believed you were worth the connection. The risk of not being received is always there, but this is no reflection of any unworthiness in you. Embrace vulnerability. As explained by Brene Brown, people with a strong sense of love and belonging believe that vulnerability is a necessity.

They believe that within their vulnerabilities are the things that make them beautiful. Vulnerability is key to connection because it is the courage to be open to another How to be vulnerable in relationships. And receiving with an open heart. Increasingly we are living in a fixit world. We have little tolerance for uncertainty or discomfort and tend to move quickly toward resolution. We fix everything — problems, health, feelings, people. Sometimes though, uncertainty or discomfort is exactly where we need to be.

Vulnerability does not mean oversharing and offering every detail of your life up for consumption by anyone with a head. It about intention. There are those you hold close, or want to, who are worth taking a risk for. You open up, you let them know, you offer some of yourself and hope it will be received. Then there are those who you know, but who may not have earnt your vulnerability.

Your vulnerability still has to be earnt by others to some extent, but you have to be ready to see when someone deserves it from you. Offering every detail of your life to the person behind you in the 15 items or less aisle at the grocery store can walk dangerously close to a lack of boundaries and can leave you overexposed. Somewhere along the way, the need to protect ourselves from being vulnerable has trumped the need to connect.

I understand that. Few things hurt as deeply and completely as the heartache that comes from relationships. Of course there are times to be guarded, but there are also times to be vulnerable. Life happens — really happens — in the midst of our vulnerability. When we shut down our vulnerability, we shut down the possibility. There are no guarantees. There never have been. But what is certain is that we deserve more than to have our vulnerability — the greatest vehicle to connection — shut down by fear.

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We cannot How to be vulnerable in relationships the outcome, but we can have faith in our ability to cope with it. Living and loving with a vulnerable, open heart will bring its own rewards. There is no daring more honest and more courageous than that which comes with respecting our vulnerability, embracing it and acting from it.

This article just gave me so much comfort and clarity. I noticed a pattern of attracting emotionally or physically unavailable men. How to be vulnerable in relationships crave to be seen, understood, and completely vulnerable but keep running into men who seem as if they want the opposite as soon I finally open up. It really stood out to me when you brought up the study about those who were in loving vulnerable relationships vs those who were not.

I deserve it and will stay open! My wife and I have been thinking about how we can grow closer together because we want to have a better relationship. We could really benefit from getting some help from a professional to add more depth. I liked what you said about how we can build trust, closeness, and belonging by being vulnerable to each other. What an amazing article! Never have I taken the time to comment on articles I read online but this one simply took my breath away. There is so much wisdom in these words and I got so much out of this.

Love it! Very good article: well articulated and very relatable. I often feel disconnected from others because I am so guarded about myself. I am trying to reinvent myself so that I can experience more fulfilling relationships. Amazing article. Thank you so much for sharing. I have never been able to be vulnerable with people. My childhood was really traumatic, and I learned at a very early age to protect myself and keep relationships and friendships just surface level — never let anyone in.

Now I am 28 years old and attempting to do this inner work of breaking down these walls and revealing my raw heart. Let me just tell you guys, it is so uncomfortable and painful. You will cry so much. You might throw up.

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But I know this is something I need to do for myself, find healing, embrace vulnerability, and finally create the deep human connection with others that I have always longed for. I can completely relate!

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I have been the same way and have been keeping relationships on a level that it was easy for me to disconnect when things are not working out. My new GF is completely awesome but one of her biggest issues with me was that she is yearning for a deeper connection. I never experienced these type of emotions and it super confusing.

But what it really means is giving the key to those that really care for you and not shut it down like a bunker where only you know how to get in.

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But the biggest things that I know is that change only occurs with pain. No one changes when everything is good. This has brought up a whole plethora of self doubt that I am emotionally unavailable and incapable of being vulnerable and intimate with people anymore. Except I find it hard, even impossible to be truly vulnerable and intimate with anyone in my life. Okay so I know I struggle to trust people, be vulnerable, open up, talk openly, and be intimate with people. The thought of it really makes me feel sick with dread and fear, so know there is an underlying issue there.

I could walk out on my boyfriend and put it down to us being un-compatible and not right for each other and that is why we are struggling to connect. Buy my worry is what if this happens again and again and again? I have a guy who is willing to be vulnerable, who wants to connect, who recognises there is a problem and wants to fix it. Beatrice N. These lines from the book Dearing Greatly by Brene Brown may have the answer to your dilema. She asks to live with wholeheartedness which she says is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness.

The main concern of wholehearted men and women is How to be vulnerable in relationships a life defined by courage, compassion, and connection. I liked how she relates vulnerability and engagment. We all are vulnerable. Our willings to own and engage with vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose. If you need peace and quiet, then being by yourself is sometimes what you need.

Your own world is exactly your own. Anything that you want to keep private, How to be vulnerable in relationships be exactly that. Be careful of who to trust.

How to be vulnerable in relationships

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