Choosing others dating and mate selection

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Today we search for soul mates. Look around you in the classroom. How many potential mates are sitting there? In other words, how many single females or males are there in the same classroom? These are the types of questions and answers we consider when we study dating and mate selection. In the United States there are millions of people between the ages of is considered prime dating and mate selection ages.

The U. Census Bureau conducts annual surveys of the U. Table 1 represents the s and percentages of and U. Family Types. You will notice that marrieds comprised the largest proportion of family types in and in Marriage is still Choosing others dating and mate selection marital status preferred the most and it might include first marriages, second or later marriages remarriages, heterosexual or same-sex marriages inter-racial or inter-ethnic marriages, traditional or conservative marriages. Both the and the percentage of marriages increased from to The widowed were fairly constant with few changes.

The divorced and separated increased in s but not in percentages. The never married singles also increased in s and percentages from to Using data from the American Community Survey online data portal, I found that in there were 14, males ages and 13, females ages who were never married. Choosing others dating and mate selection were also another 13, males ages and 11, females ages who were never married. Ever worry that there are not enough single men or enough single women for you to hangout with or date?

There are plenty of each and this demographic of our society is increasing with each new generation. With Generations Y and Z having many traits and characteristics in common, I search for any report on their living arrangements as of Since they are still very young and not reached the age at which marriage or cohabitation might be a choice, no reports were to be found.

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I did download the age specific living arrangements of U. Census in Figure 1 shows these charts. In many measures comparing the similarities between Generations Y and Z, they do have very similar marital statuses and living arrangements in Generation Z is in the for Men and Women.

Look at Generation Z ages and you can see that the percentage of still living with their parents was only When we see people we filter them as either being in or out of our pool of eligibles. Filtering is the process of identifying those we interact with as either being in or out of our pool of people we might consider to be a date or mate.

There are many filters we use. One is physical appearance. We might include some because of tattoos and piercing or exclude some for the exact same Choosing others dating and mate selection traits. We might include some because they know someone we know or exclude the same people because they are total strangers. Figure 2 shows the basic date and mate selection principles that play into our filtering processes This inverted pyramid metaphorically represents a filter that a liquid might be poured through to refine it; IE: coffee filter.

That couple in the bottom right-hand corner is my wife and I on a field trip to the Association for Applied and Clinical Sociology in Ypsilanti, Michigan. She and I travel without our children at least twice per year and we have been attending professional conferences together for more than a decade. We met in college in We dated, became engaged and married in the same year. All of the principles discussed in this chapter applied to how my wife and I met, became friends, and chose to marry. They will likely apply to you and yours. Propenquity is the geographic closeness experienced by potential dates and mates.

Proximity means that you both breathe the same air in the same place at about the same time. Proximity is crucial because the more you see one another or interact directly or indirectly with one another, the more likely you see each other as mates. Choosing others dating and mate selection often ask my students how they met and when they tell their stories I help them to identify the geography that was involved in the process. In recent decades, propinquity has been less important than it was in the past. Millions meet, get to know one another, date, and some even fall in love online.

A PewResearch report found that in and in ificant proportions of adults in a variety of marital status had dated online.

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Figure 3 shows the percentages in the PewResearch online report. The lighter blue vertical bars indicate the survey year and the darker blue indicate the year. Online dating is reported more in than it was in In about 30 percent of all adults in the U. This may be a reflection of people waiting until they are older to marry and of other factors not addressed in this specific study. PewResearch released a news report also in that showed that 71 percent of those using an online dating app reported that it was very important to see a photo of the other person; 50 percent felt it had neither a positive or negative effect on dating relationships; 12 percent say they married or moved in with someone they met on a dating app see PewResearch, 14 Feb.

Finally, not all online dating is a positive experience for everyone you probably already knew this. Yet another PewResearch report indicated that about 42 percent had reported a negative experience from lying, scams and fake s; sexually explicit unsolicited messages from other users; harassment or bullying; and or privacy violations. It is important to k-[note that 57 percent reported a positive experience as well see PewResearch, 6 Feb.

Physical appearance is subjective and is defined differently for each individual. Truly, what one person finds as attractive is not what others find to be attractive. There are a few biological, psychological, and social-emotional aspects of appearance that tend to make an individual more attractive to more people. These include slightly above average desirable traits and symmetry in facial features. According to the Centers for Disease Control the average man in the United States is 5 foot 9 inches tall and weighs about pounds. The average woman is about 5 foot 4 inches tall and weighs about pounds.

Did you just compare yourself? Most of us tend to compare ourselves to averages or to others we know. This is important to understand that we subjectively judge ourselves as being more or less attractive; because we often limit our dating pool of eligibles to those we think are in our same category of beauty. If you are 6 foot tall as a man or 5 foot Choosing others dating and mate selection as a woman, then you are slightly above average in height. For women: larger eyes, softer facial features and chin; fuller lips, and an hour-glass figure facilitate more universally desirable traits.

And am I Choosing others dating and mate selection from the date and mate selection market? There is a principle that I have found to be the most powerful predictor of how we make our dating and mating selection choices--homogamy. Homogamy is the tendency for dates, mates, and spouses to pair off with someone of similar attraction, background, interests, and needs. This is typically true for most couples. They find and pair off with persons of similarity more than difference. Have you ever heard the colloquial phrase, "opposites attract? One of my students challenged this notion in the case of her own relationship.

She said, "My husband and I are so different. He like Mexican food, I like Italian. He likes rap Choosing others dating and mate selection I like classical music. He likes water skiing and I like camping and hiking…" I interrupted her and said, "So you both like ethnic food, music, and outdoors. Do you vote on similar issues? Do you have similar family backgrounds? Do you both come from a similar economic class? Couples are not identical, just similar. And we tend to find patterns that indicate that homogamy in a relationship can be indirectly supportive of a long-term relationship quality because it facilitates less disagreements and disconnections of routines in the daily life of a couple.

I believe that we filter homogamously and even to the point that we do tend to marry someone like our parents. Our mates resemble our parents more because we resemble our parents and we tend to look for others like ourselves. Heterogamy is the dating or pairing of individuals with differences in traits. All of us pair off with heterogamous and homogamous individuals with emphasis more on the latter than the former. Over time, after commitments are made, couples often develop more homogamy. Maslow sheds light on how and why we pick the person we pick when choosing a date or mate by focusing on how they meet our needs as a date, mate, or spouse.

Persons from dysfunctional homes where children were not nurtured nor supported through childhood would likely be attracted to someone who provides that unfulfilled nurturing need they still have. Persons from homes where they were nurtured, supported, and sustained in their individual growth and development would likely be attracted to someone who promises growth and support in intellectual, aesthetic, or self-actualization becoming fully who our individual potential allows us to become areas of life. It may sound selfish at first glance but we really do date and mate on the basis of what we get out of it or how our needs are met.

The Social Exchange Theory and its rational choice formula clarify the selection process even further. When we interact with potential dates and mates we run a mental balance sheet in our he. This while simultaneously remembering how we rate and evaluate ourselves. Rarely do we seek out the best-looking person at the party unless we define ourselves as an even match for him or her. More often we rank and Choosing others dating and mate selection ourselves compared to others and as we size up and evaluate potentials we define the overall exchange rationally or in an economic context where we try to maximize our rewards while minimizing our losses.

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The overall evaluation of the deal also depends to a great extent on how well we feel matched on racial and ethnic traits, religious background, social economic class, and age similarities. Truly the complexity of the date and mate selection process includes many obvious and some more subtle processes that you can understand for yourself.

If you are single you can apply them to the date and mate selection processes you currently pursue. Bernard Murstein wrote articles in the early s where he tested his Stimulus-Value-Role Theory of marital choice. To Murstein the exchange is mutual and dependent upon the subjective attractions and the subjective assets and liabilities each individual brings to the relationship. The Stimulus is the trait usually physical that draws your attention to the person.

After time is spent together dating or hanging out, Values are compared for compatibility and evaluation of "maximization of Rewards while minimization of costs is calculated. If after time and relational compatibility supports it, the pair may choose to take Roles which typically include: exclusive dating, cohabitation, engagement, or marriage. How do strangers transition from not even knowing Choosing others dating and mate selection another to eventually cohabiting or marrying together? From the very first encounter, two strangers begin a process that either excludes one another as potential dates or mates or includes them and begins the process of establishing intimacy.

Intimacy is the mutual feeling of acceptance, trust, and connection to another person, even with the understanding of personal faults of the individual. In other words, intimacy is the ability to become close to one another, to accept one another as is, and eventually to feel Choosing others dating and mate selection by the other. Intimacy is not sexual intercourse, although sexual intercourse may be one of many expressions of intimacy. When two strangers meet they have a stimulus that alerts one or both to take notice of the other.

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I read a book by Judith Wallerstein see Wallerstein and Blakesley The Good Marriage where one woman was on a date with a guy and overheard another man laughing like Santa Clause might laugh. She asked her date to introduce her and that began the relationship which would become her decades-long marriage to the Santa Clause laughing guy. In the stimulus stage some motivation at the physical, social, emotional, intellectual or spiritual level sparks interests and the interaction begins.

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Over time and with increased interaction, two people may make that journey of values comparisons and contrasts which inevitably includes or excludes the other.

Choosing others dating and mate selection

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Chapter 08 - Dating and Mate Selection